The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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