Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I AM VODKA MAN
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
