My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
COCAINE IS GR8
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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