yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
