Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
