Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
