I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
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You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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