I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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