I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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