As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
