Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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