I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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