I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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