i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
