You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
