What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
