i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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