i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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