I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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