I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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