Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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