Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
