Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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