atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
