Ambien. No doubt about it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
