you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
