I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
