I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
