I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
