Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
