Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
