R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
