mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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