I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
