god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
