This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
