Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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