when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
