I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
