i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
