Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
