I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We are two peas in an std pod
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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