I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
