i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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