just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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