my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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