the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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