I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
