once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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