I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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