I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
