I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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