i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
