i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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