I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
