Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Randomize
