Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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