Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you never un-have a 4some
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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